Crime Comedian Gifts

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

'The burglars didn't take anything except your bagpipes.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"I hope you appreciate that all materials used in this whack are fully biodegradable."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

Robber on treadmill

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

I thought you might want to color it in. Color chalk. 1 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 5 5

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

Messing Up My Metrics

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

The Brains of the Outfit

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"