Crime Comedian Pillows

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

'The burglars didn't take anything except your bagpipes.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"I hope you appreciate that all materials used in this whack are fully biodegradable."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

The Brains of the Outfit

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'Hello, Mum!'

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).