Crime Comedians Pillows

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

Louie 'The Egg' Spignoli, The Hangman's Nightmare

"Money or your beard!"

The Brains of the Outfit

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

I thought you might want to color it in. Color chalk. 1 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 5 5

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Everyone we know is escaping and you sit there doing nothing."

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

Messing Up My Metrics