Crime Humorists Pillows

'Hello, Mum!'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

"Do you know what time they open love?"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

'My only witness and alibi for the bank job was the guy I was robbing across in another part of town.'