Crime Humorists Pillows

'Hello, Mum!'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

I thought you might want to color it in. Color chalk. 1 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 5 5

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

Messing Up My Metrics

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

Piñata police line-up.

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

"Jeff! Have you been sleepwalking again?!"