Crime Humor Enthusiasts Pillows

'They found your gene for anti-social behavior, but they're still looking for the one for robbing liquor stores.'

'You and your stupid hybrid getaway car'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Not much cop are you!'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'