Crime Humor Pillows

"Don't worry. You're insured, aren't you?"

'No thanks, I don't except suites from neighbours.'

"This tune goes out to anyone I may have mugged, robbed or held up over the years..."

Harry 'Halitosis' Thribbs - do not approach this man.

'Clearly every one of these suspects has stolen my identity.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"I want to report a race crime.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

Messing Up My Metrics

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'Hello, Mum!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"