Crime-themed Humor Pillows

"I'm glad you came in. You're behind on your getaway car payments."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I want to report a race crime.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'Hello, Mum!'

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"Do you know what time they open love?"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

Messing Up My Metrics

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Piñata police line-up.

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"Jeff! Have you been sleepwalking again?!"