Crime-themed Humor Gifts

"I'm glad you came in. You're behind on your getaway car payments."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I want to report a race crime.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

'Hello, Mum!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

Cuffwear, 2004

'My only witness and alibi for the bank job was the guy I was robbing across in another part of town.'