Crime Humor Aficionado Pillows

Car Jacking.

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Not much cop are you!'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

"It was passed from my grandfather to my father, from my father to me, and now from me to you. Twenty bucks."

Decision on the flip of a coin...