True Crime Humorist Pillows

"In the movie about the New York prison escapees, I'd like to see Jack Nicholson as Richard Matt and Woody Harrelson as David Sweat."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

Cop Shop: Bulk, dried blood, shaved hair, ground teeth, assorted body parts and bone fragments.

'Click it or ticket.'

"You have to let me make my own mistakes."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"The big one dropped his weapon, but keep an eye on the little one. I think he's still armed."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

Sweet Jailbreak

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

Rollercoaster police chase.

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."