Crime Scene Comedian Pillows

'Please leave my driver's license -- I can't handle the DMV.'

"We can do this the easy way or we can do this the cute way."

"You're not getting anything out of me unless you pinch really hard with your thumb and forefinger, then pull."

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

'Hey, I said no large bills.'

'They accidentally issued me a magnum of '45, instead of a 45 magnum.'

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

"...and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

This is the last time I ask Peterson to dust for prints.

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"What part of ‘secure the crime scene’ don’t you understand?!!"

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"