Crime Scene Comedian Pillows

'Please leave my driver's license -- I can't handle the DMV.'

"We can do this the easy way or we can do this the cute way."

"You're not getting anything out of me unless you pinch really hard with your thumb and forefinger, then pull."

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

'Hey, I said no large bills.'

'They accidentally issued me a magnum of '45, instead of a 45 magnum.'

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

"...and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"What part of ‘secure the crime scene’ don’t you understand?!!"

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'Hello, Mum!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'