Criminal Justice Comedian Pillows

'Murder, eh? Nailed me for trespassing.'

Gary turns 40.

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This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'Timeout! ... Coaching change.'

A Judicial Error. (Judge has hit his thumb with his gavel.)

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'Hello, Mum!'

'I think you should just plead ignorance, it's so. . . credible.'

'How bad is it?'

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'He's a little unpredictable, but with the right combination of medication and therapy, he can make an impact on this league.'

"Umm. . . Hello? I'm over here!"

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

Cuffwear, 2004

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'See that, Greg? His back is straight. Both feet flat on the floor. Eyes fixed on the game. It's natural talent, Greg. You just can't teach that.'

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

'It was Bob's last wish to spread his ashes on the spot where he spent most of his athletic career.'

Police artist drawing a snarling dog while an injured cat desribes him

'You think you've got a bad knee? Let me tell you about a bad knee, my brother.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.