Judicial Comedian Pillows

"As a judge, I have always treated colleagues and litigants with the utmost respect! I have been known for my courtesy on and off the bench!"

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

Gary turns 40.

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"#notguilty."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'I'd like to go back to law school and pay attention this time.'

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."