Judicial Humor Aficionado Pillows

Court of Appeals maintains suspension of immigration restrictions

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"Not guilty?"

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Impartiality becomes you."

Antonin Scalia

"Can you hear me now?"

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

Judge

'Do you think I would even be here if my client were guilty?'

'He tripped over a pavement sign that said 'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?' So he called the number and sued them'

"You want the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth?"

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

"Can't you see I'm busy? You'll have to make an appointment with my secretary here."

'We find the defendant guilty, the defense a showboater and the DA a legal mal-practitioner.'

'Yeah, I shot the guy, but only because I was misled by my advisors.'

'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

Computer questionning a witness.

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'My client was unaware that going to school was against the rules your Honour: Mary made him do it...'

I told you we should have given power of attorney to the dog instead of the cat.

'If you wanted me to be cooperative, why did you appoint a lawyer for me?'

"It only takes one barrister, but there must be a solicitor present."

"I'm sorry, Henri. I don't think you can sue every science teacher for 'defamation of effect'."

'Sorry, Mr. Weinbaum, but you should have said 'Simon says not guilty.''