Judicial Humor Aficionado Pillows

Court of Appeals maintains suspension of immigration restrictions

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"Not guilty?"

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Impartiality becomes you."

Antonin Scalia

"Can you hear me now?"

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

Judge

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

'Do you think I would even be here if my client were guilty?'

'He tripped over a pavement sign that said 'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?' So he called the number and sued them'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

"You want the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth?"

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

'We find the defendant guilty, the defense a showboater and the DA a legal mal-practitioner.'

'Yeah, I shot the guy, but only because I was misled by my advisors.'

'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

Computer questionning a witness.

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

'My client was unaware that going to school was against the rules your Honour: Mary made him do it...'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'We're making you partner since you'd be easier to indict.'

"It's your attorney."

"It only takes one barrister, but there must be a solicitor present."

'Do you promise to tell the truth?'

'If you wanted me to be cooperative, why did you appoint a lawyer for me?'