Crime Scene Comedy Gifts

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

'We could try to identify him through dental records inspector...'

"Do you remember what you had for lunch last Thursday?"

"It's the city's new taxpayer-funded crime beautification program."

Dental records help ID the body. That's how they know who to bill.

"He left a really odd suicide note, it reads: 'One extra pint and a strawberry yogurt please'."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

This is the last time I ask Peterson to dust for prints.

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"What part of ‘secure the crime scene’ don’t you understand?!!"

"Hmm. . . it looks like he was struck on the head with a blunt object. . . If only I could find out what the murder weapon could be. . ."

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

I thought you might want to color it in. Color chalk. 1 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 5 5

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

Messing Up My Metrics

"Money or your beard!"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"He went that-a-way." (snail escapes).

"One ventriloquist dummy on trial for murder and we believe you had a hand in it."

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"