Crime Commentary Gifts

Please Give Up This Seat To Anyone Wielding a Knife or Blunt Instrument.

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

"Don't editorialize."

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

"Don't make me send in the bad cat."

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

"I said freeze, punk, I didn't mean literally!"

'Any ideas on motive?' 'Only one, Chief.'

"White Collar Prison"

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

'Why is it always about me?'

'Come on inspector, you call this fair?'

"You think you're gonna whack me and this will be over?"

Oliver Twist - Oliver Introduced to Fagin

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Moses as a mobster.

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

Undercover Biophysicists

"If a tree falls in the forest and hits a certain individual, would he still be able to testify?"

"I couldn't finish that book either."

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

"I told you we should have had separate trials."

STRIP Hambone: Computer an accessory to computer fraud

'Make it look like an accident.'