Cozy Philosopher Gifts

Beditation: "I am at one with the duvet."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Pigeon Little

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

Studies show foods work miracles!

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"I should've never studied canon law."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

Hamlet in the craft shop.