Courtside Comic Gifts

'Billy - no! Do not ask for his autograph. He'll lose his natural fear of fans, become a nuisance, and then he'll need to be tranquilized and relocated to Europe.'

Yawning barristers in court

"I'll tell you, mock jury duty beats cancer testing."

"You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the infinite explanation of cosmological arguments relating to the truth!"

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'That will be 100 hours of community service in some other community.'

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

'You have an over reactive gagging reflex.'

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'My client would like to enter a plea of inanity.'

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

"My client demands a jury trial."

'I can't believe it, Bob Two seats for the NBA finals right on the half-court line!'

I rest my case, your honor, in celebration of "Casual Defense Friday." ! !

". . . and that's the story of why you should find this defendant. . . GUILTY!"

"It make syou kind of proud to be helping to build this giant new hospital doesn't it!!"

'We need further instruction, your honor. Does a full house beat a straight?'

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'If you don't stay seated, I'll have to use my pop-up blocker.'

'Are you capable of distinguishing right from wrong?', 'Can you give me a hint?'

'Yeah, I shot the guy, but only because I was misled by my advisors.'

'My client did not escape, Your Honor -- his prison was so crowded, somebody pushed him out the window!'

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

"I think we should accept the prosecution's generous offer of a coin flip."

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

'Good news. The DNA proves you're not guilty, you have no genetic diseases, and you're a half-brother of the Prince of Glavistan.'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

'Your Honor, do we need the jury judging my performance?'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'