Courtside Comic Pillows

'Billy - no! Do not ask for his autograph. He'll lose his natural fear of fans, become a nuisance, and then he'll need to be tranquilized and relocated to Europe.'

Yawning barristers in court

"I'll tell you, mock jury duty beats cancer testing."

"You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the infinite explanation of cosmological arguments relating to the truth!"

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'That will be 100 hours of community service in some other community.'

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

'My client would like to enter a plea of inanity.'

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'You have an over reactive gagging reflex.'

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

"My client demands a jury trial."

'I can't believe it, Bob Two seats for the NBA finals right on the half-court line!'

'We need further instruction, your honor. Does a full house beat a straight?'

"It make syou kind of proud to be helping to build this giant new hospital doesn't it!!"

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

'If you don't stay seated, I'll have to use my pop-up blocker.'

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'Are you capable of distinguishing right from wrong?', 'Can you give me a hint?'

'My client did not escape, Your Honor -- his prison was so crowded, somebody pushed him out the window!'

'Yeah, I shot the guy, but only because I was misled by my advisors.'

"I think we should accept the prosecution's generous offer of a coin flip."

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

'Good news. The DNA proves you're not guilty, you have no genetic diseases, and you're a half-brother of the Prince of Glavistan.'

'No, doctor, you are not entitled to a second opinion.'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

'Your Honor, do we need the jury judging my performance?'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'