Courtroom Comic Pillows

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

"Can we, just for a moment, your Honor, ignore the facts?"

Plaque on judge's desk: 'No tipping.'

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

'You need to work on your pleading.'

"I struggled for years to understand what motivates me to do the things I do. Only took the jury five minutes."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

'Objection, overruled. I'm going to allow that intentional brushback. But I'm warning you, counselor, you're treading on thin ice.'

'Okay I am going to allow this surprise witness.'

"My client pleads not guilty on the grounds that Saturn was transiting his natal Pluto at the time of the incident."

'There's no jury...I take it you're new to unfair dismissal claims.'

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

'It was the 'nothing but the truth' part that tripped me up.'

'I'm calling a recess unti tomorrow morning - That's enough justice for one day.'

'When on the stand, keep your answers short, to the point, and in the form of a question.'

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Foreman of the jury, have you reached a verdict?' 'Yes - prosecuting counsel is a bit of a hunk!'

"Looks like another out of court settlement."

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

Judge hearing two cases at once

'My client is incompetent to stand trial, but that's no reason to revoke his driver's lisence.'

"It was a mercy killing. I just couldn't stand to see him suffer in front of that TV each time his favorite team lost."

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

'Your Honor, do we need the jury judging my performance?'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

'No, doctor, you are not entitled to a second opinion.'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'If you don't stay seated, I'll have to use my pop-up blocker.'

Torte Reform

"The defendant will plead guilty to the shootin' if the prosecution drops the 47 charges of rootin' and tootin'."

"I'll tell you, mock jury duty beats cancer testing."