Courtroom Comic Gifts

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

"Can we, just for a moment, your Honor, ignore the facts?"

Plaque on judge's desk: 'No tipping.'

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

'You need to work on your pleading.'

"I struggled for years to understand what motivates me to do the things I do. Only took the jury five minutes."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

'Okay I am going to allow this surprise witness.'

'It was the 'nothing but the truth' part that tripped me up.'

'There's no jury...I take it you're new to unfair dismissal claims.'

"My client pleads not guilty on the grounds that Saturn was transiting his natal Pluto at the time of the incident."

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

'Objection, overruled. I'm going to allow that intentional brushback. But I'm warning you, counselor, you're treading on thin ice.'

'I'm calling a recess unti tomorrow morning - That's enough justice for one day.'

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

'Foreman of the jury, have you reached a verdict?' 'Yes - prosecuting counsel is a bit of a hunk!'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

"Looks like another out of court settlement."

'When on the stand, keep your answers short, to the point, and in the form of a question.'

Torte Reform

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

Judge hearing two cases at once

'No, doctor, you are not entitled to a second opinion.'

'My client is incompetent to stand trial, but that's no reason to revoke his driver's lisence.'

"It was a mercy killing. I just couldn't stand to see him suffer in front of that TV each time his favorite team lost."

'If you don't stay seated, I'll have to use my pop-up blocker.'

"The defendant will plead guilty to the shootin' if the prosecution drops the 47 charges of rootin' and tootin'."

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

'What's the charge?' 'Smoking crack.'

'Your Honor, do we need the jury judging my performance?'