Courtroom Comedy Gifts

"If it please the court, I'd like to act as my own plucky young female attorney."

'How do you want me to answer that question, Norm? As an attorney, or as your best friend?'

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

'Nothing is ever solved. We continue to bark at one another.'

'Keyhole Perjury'

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

"Well, I hope you're satisfied...your opening remarks have hurt the prosecutors feelings."

"My client pleads not guilty by reason that the other kid started it."

"Mrs MacReady you can't sue your husband...he's dead" - "How about the cat?"

A crude holiday ?...If your client is so inclined, he should pay for it himself.

'Ladies and Gentlemen of the press- what is your verdict...?'

'I confess! I'm a bigamist. Don't tell the wife.'

'...And because of your record as a labor leader, I'm going to give you time-and-a-half.'

A baby in court

The put asunder law firm - 'Divorce cases our speciality.'

Lawyers

'Your Honor, we feel that the prosecutor has done a 'bang up job', and the defendant has suffered enough.'

'You claim deprivation led to this crime?!' 'I was deprived of a dvd player.'

"This jury finds the accused not guilty provided he tells us where he has hidden the money."

'The next case, Your Honor, is a repeat offender from Walla Walla.'

'And when you taught my client to fish, instead of giving him one, did you ever stop to consider that he might be allergic to seafood!'

'Don't worry, I've seen the judge's wine cellar. He can't put anything away for more than six months.'

"Do you two have a history?"

'The Jury has found you not guilty of robbery.'

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

'We found a way to settle out of court, your honor. He beat the crap out of me.'

'You're going to act as your attorney? Believe me, you can't act that well.'

At 'Traffic Court' a man in a car is at the 'Drive Thru Window.'

'I'm giving you life imprisonment.' - 'Please don't do that your honour, my client hasn't paid his bill yet.'

"They exhumed your browsing history."

'We request a change of venue to a place where the juries are more naive.'

Babies look so innocent. The trick is finding a really cranky jury.

"Can you identify for the court who allegedly groped you?"

"You declared him to be a hostile witness, your honor."

"I really appreciate being named lead prosecutor on the Dog vs Cat case."