Courtroom Comedians Gifts

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

'The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? That doesn't allow for much flexibility.'

'Mr. Justice, must you keep repeating 'nobody can fire me, nobody can dire me, nobody can dire me'?'

'I saved myself a fortune, by acting as my own defence lawyer.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

I'm not a career criminal - I'm more of a part-time volunteer.'

'I find you guilty of driving under the influence of high blood glucose.'

'If you saw the car coming, why didn't you honk?'

'Perfectly normal ? everyone loves to see lawyers suffer.'

'Lawyers to Avoid.' 'Need a lawyer? I'm low in cholesterol, have never been tested on lab animals and am 100 biodegradable.'

'Let me take a stab at him. He's the over-generous judge who awarded my ex-wife all that alimony.'

'Guilty or not guilty?' - 'I'll start off with not guilty, and see how it goes.'

'Uh oh! I don't like the looks of that jury.'

'As the trial is not as juicy as we thought it might be, one of our jurors requests permission to knit.'

"Great, I'll have my people threaten your people."

'We may be here for a while. It took us three days to agree on whether we wanted sausage or pepperoni.'

"Got outta jury duty!"

...every client is considered innocent until he's broke.

'Where was I on the night of the 7th of August? I was home washing my hair.'

"You call that justice? There's 20% cats in this town and I have to appear before an all dog jury."

'And remember, people, there are no frivolous lawsuits... Only frivolous attorneys!'

'We've simplified the jury selection process.'

'Hang 'em high is just an expression Judge!'

'My client requests a postponement, Your Honor -- he's having a bad hair day.'

'Your honor, the jury has dismissed themselves with their assurance that whatever I decide is fine with them.'

The Jury Decides.

'Of course I'm nervous.. you have your attorney with you.'

'Excuse me, juror #7. Do you mind if we continue?'

'Judge Mental.'

'Could you recommend a fruit that works for lawyers?'

"I blame his old careers teacher myself, it was him who suggested he did a bank job."

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"I've heard some lame excuses in my time, but checking your cell phone to see when the new 'Distracted Driving' law goes into effect takes the cake."

"The judge offered me a deal. Here for 30 days or a colonoscopy prep."