Courtroom Comedians Pillows

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

'Request permission to approach the bench, Your Honour...'

'The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? That doesn't allow for much flexibility.'

'Mr. Justice, must you keep repeating 'nobody can fire me, nobody can dire me, nobody can dire me'?'

'I saved myself a fortune, by acting as my own defence lawyer.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

I'm not a career criminal - I'm more of a part-time volunteer.'

'I find you guilty of driving under the influence of high blood glucose.'

'If you saw the car coming, why didn't you honk?'

'Perfectly normal ? everyone loves to see lawyers suffer.'

'Lawyers to Avoid.' 'Need a lawyer? I'm low in cholesterol, have never been tested on lab animals and am 100 biodegradable.'

'As the trial is not as juicy as we thought it might be, one of our jurors requests permission to knit.'

"Great, I'll have my people threaten your people."

'Uh oh! I don't like the looks of that jury.'

'Let me take a stab at him. He's the over-generous judge who awarded my ex-wife all that alimony.'

'Guilty or not guilty?' - 'I'll start off with not guilty, and see how it goes.'

'We may be here for a while. It took us three days to agree on whether we wanted sausage or pepperoni.'

...every client is considered innocent until he's broke.

'Judge Mental.'

"You call that justice? There's 20% cats in this town and I have to appear before an all dog jury."

'Your honor, the jury has dismissed themselves with their assurance that whatever I decide is fine with them.'

'We've simplified the jury selection process.'

"I blame his old careers teacher myself, it was him who suggested he did a bank job."

'Where was I on the night of the 7th of August? I was home washing my hair.'

'My client requests a postponement, Your Honor -- he's having a bad hair day.'

"Got outta jury duty!"

'Of course I'm nervous.. you have your attorney with you.'

'Hang 'em high is just an expression Judge!'

'Could you recommend a fruit that works for lawyers?'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'And remember, people, there are no frivolous lawsuits... Only frivolous attorneys!'

'Excuse me, juror #7. Do you mind if we continue?'

Lawyers Ridin' The Range: 'Happy trials to you, until we meet again!'

The Jury Decides.