Courtroom Comedist Pillows

"Before we begin today, may I say that both my client and I were astonished that Your Honor was not nominated for the Supreme Court?"

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'When I told Mrs. Mackay there was nothing I could do about the wee neds who were terrorizing her, she became very upset and said I was, 'Worse than useless.'' 'At which point you arrested her?'

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Questions about an old case refuse to go away. . .

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

Gary turns 40.

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

Law School teacher.

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"#notguilty."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."