Country Crooner Gifts

"This next song's about our desperate struggle to please and chronic craving for approval. I really, really hope you like it."

JimmyFest 2006

Rhinestone Accountant

Dolly Parton

Banjo Player

"Gentlemen, let's pick it up again with 'I Been Livin' on Cold Navy Beans.'"

The New Modern-Day Lament.

'The song made it seem so much more serene.'

'Woke up this morning found someone had stolen my guitar...'

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

Bashful in Nashville

'Well inspector I want to be a Country and Western singer, but I felt I was too happy! I needed a dead dog to sing about, but the wife got in the way, which is great, I feel really sad.'

Country Music Awards

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

'Cock-a-doodle-do!'

Songs about Texas, next 1100 miles.

"It's God's country, if your god wears camouflage and dips tobacco."

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

'...and I only have eyes, for ewe...'

'I took your advice and got a long little doggy.'

"I'm putting you on country music."

'I'll never forget the night I saw you across the crowded room of a dusty ol' honky tonk.'

For every moment in life there is a song that describes it perfectly.'

...Well I've got to make sure I REALLY like where I am.

Singer in a boat disturbing the fish.

"I'll be broadminded up in heaven, but here on earth you're still a whore..."

"This is Kevin. Kevin was uncool before uncool was cool."

"The harmonica! Boy you're lucky, my cowboy plays the double-bass! I tell you what, it's a pretty awkward thing to carry around..."

"Well of course you're depressed... You're a country and western singer."

Supply was out of harps.

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

Hip-Hopalong Billy Bob blamed the censors for killing the country-rap scene.

Where the deer and the antelope play.

Here's a little number I wrote from bitter personal experience...

Cowpunk