Counsel Seeking Humor Gifts

'What seems to be the problem?'

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

The hour of justice

'At first it was a few dollars here and a few dollars there. Then I realized I'd have to pay my lawyer.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Lawyer sees street sign: Parallel Paralegal Parking.

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

Counsel examining witness

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."