Corruption Comedy Gifts

'Remember the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"You're fired, Withron. I got a terrific deal on a handful of ballpoints."

'I said I wanted to address the manager shortage -- not a short manager!'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"I'm sending you to Siberia. Your job is remaining here."

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

Bug Spray/Sun Screen

"No need to remind me. I'm well aware that I've forgotten completely about you."

"It's amazing to think he started out in the lobby."

"Can you put more nudity in this?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"We're a cable giant, you're a cable giant."

"Staff are always complaining about supposed bureaucracy, but if no one completed form M74/cd3 then how would we know how many M74/cd3’s had been filled out!"

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

'You're overworked and underpaid. That's what gives you job security.'

"At the end of the day, Maureen, wake me up."

'Don't try to use me. I'm not user friendly!'

'He's been with me for a long time... he was my first ulcer.'

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

"Hire him, I want to watch his enthusiasm die."

Employer of the month...and every month.