Corporate Life Critic Gifts

'He wasn't a team player. Are you a team player, Watley?'

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

"I can see people working from home."

'Ask yourself, how will taking the afternoon off for your mother's funeral look to Mr. Beegley?'

'We're proud to present you with the procrastinator of the year award. We haven't gotten around to ordering your framed certificate yet, though.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

Lethal Presentation

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

Satya Nutella

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'