The Corporate Critic Gifts

"We're not admitting any wrong doing, but we've agreed to pay a ten Zillion dollar fine.''

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

Lethal Presentation

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"It's o.k., come on out."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'