Cooking Comic Gifts

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

"I heard we're now legal in some states."

"A votre sante!"

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Night of the Latkes

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Thou Shalt Not!

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

Amy Sedaris

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

"Save yourself — it’s a casserole!"

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Anybody for breakfast?'

Onion operation.

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

Bottomless bowl of soup

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

"I want to apologise for calling this meeting on such short notice."

"More helium."

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

Papa's Pizza delivered in under 30 minutes.

"Let's take this one step at a time. First, somebody is going to have to catch the fish."