Cooking Comic Pillows

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

"I heard we're now legal in some states."

"A votre sante!"

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

Night of the Latkes

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

Thou Shalt Not!

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

F&E Diner. Beer. Wine. This wine paralyzes the taste buds --- It goes with anything!

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Anybody for breakfast?'

Onion operation.

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

"Save yourself — it’s a casserole!"

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

Amy Sedaris

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

Bottomless bowl of soup

"I want to apologise for calling this meeting on such short notice."

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.