Control Freak Humorist Gifts

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

Remote control pirate bully

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

Large print e-book.

"Are you sure this is a 'Flu virus?" "See for yourself...it's nose is running!"

Bedroom Traffic Control

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

A politician's dream come true...

"This universal remote is awesome. It controls the tv, cable, stereo, computer, garage door. . ."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'The only exercise I believe in is the exercise of power.'

Lab studies suggest that a human growth pill is just around the corner.

"So, tell me what happened after this Schrodinger put you in this box..."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

"I'm glad you like this new brand of coffee, Joni. The label said "fast-acting," but who knows what that means!"

"Your problem isn't the prescription."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"You've been traded to the Red Sox for an outfielder with a broken arm."

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

'And so, Ladies and Germs, I conclude that we must promote homeopathy! This may be our best chance to wipe out the human race since the glory days of the Black Plague.'

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

"But is it art ?"

"I'm here because my vision is getting so bad I can't even see clearly in my dreams at night!"