Control Freak Comedy Club Gifts

Can you do it so my eyes follow everyone around the boardroom?

Remote control pirate bully

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Would you like to try them out?"

Hypnotoon

Bedroom Traffic Control

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"This universal remote is awesome. It controls the tv, cable, stereo, computer, garage door. . ."

A politician's dream come true...

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'The only exercise I believe in is the exercise of power.'

"I hate all the paperwork there is with this job."

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

Jet Liner Wipes 'I tell ya, cleanin' the fuselage used to be my least favorite job...'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"I want to report a race crime.'

"It's not you. It's pea."

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

"Yes, I have allergies! Hundreds! Because my crazy mother kept me in a germ-free house with no pets and I developed zero immunities!"

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Polly Clinic.

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'Wow, that really was concentrated dish soap.'

Hamlet

'...And in local weather, Ken's cologne has clashed with Trish's hair spray, causing a thunder shower over the news desk.'