Control Freak Comedy Club Gifts

Can you do it so my eyes follow everyone around the boardroom?

Remote control pirate bully

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Would you like to try them out?"

Hypnotoon

Bedroom Traffic Control

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"This universal remote is awesome. It controls the tv, cable, stereo, computer, garage door. . ."

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

A politician's dream come true...

"I hate all the paperwork there is with this job."

'The only exercise I believe in is the exercise of power.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Jet Liner Wipes 'I tell ya, cleanin' the fuselage used to be my least favorite job...'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

"Yes, I have allergies! Hundreds! Because my crazy mother kept me in a germ-free house with no pets and I developed zero immunities!"

"It's not you. It's pea."

"I want to report a race crime.'

Polly Clinic.

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'Wow, that really was concentrated dish soap.'

the bureaucrat's desk

Hamlet

"I want a large pepperoni, pronto! And don't be stingy with the cheese. No anchovies! If I find one anchovy, I'll have your head on a pole. . ."