Comedy Club Members Gifts

'Am I losing my way?'

"People travel the world and spend a lifetime waiting to see an eclipse like that!"

"Hello, Mrs Boynton? This is the reception. There is someone here to see you. He says he has an appointment?"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Hypnotoon

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

Death Beggar

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Bob Odenkirk

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"It's not you. It's pea."

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

"I want to report a race crime.'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'