Comedy Club Regular Gifts

'Joking or non-joking?'

Misfortune Cookie.

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'

"You gotta multiply dog years by seven, pal."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

"Here's your problem."

'Back in the good old days, when Presidents said 'gazillion'....They were joking!'

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"His game is so bad they place the pin flags at half mast whenever he plays a round."

Compulsive Liars Annual Reunion - No.. I couldn't make it either!

'Okay - imagine you're a bailiff coming at me with a repossession order.'

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

'And what do you do for a living Duncan?' 'I write instruction manuals for computers.'

'Those stupid idiots haven't put the flag back in the hole.'

'I dropped out of Parachute School.'

"I think I accidentally used my last condom making a balloon animal."

'There's something I think you ought to know. I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV'

"Great. . . another cheesy joke."

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"Wasn't she brilliant, I counted 27 F words and 11 C words. Genius!"

'No thanks - When I finish this drink I'm going straight to hell.'

Comedy Club: LOL instead of laughter

'I don't care that you slept with him, Clare, buy how dare you laugh at his jokes!'

Now they're what I call cavities!

'Hey, we're all adults here, so a little jungle humor's okay, right? There was this stupid elephant...'

Piranha fish in a restaurant: 'Honey, are you in the mood to fleece a cow tonight?'

'I hate to brag but my stalkers have their own reality show.'

Torturing The Torturers

"We heard you were dying in here."

Standup Dictator

Zombie standup

Imitation Crab

"So, Crystal... what are you doing in a joint like this?"