Comedy Club Regular Gifts

'Joking or non-joking?'

Misfortune Cookie.

'No wonder you're backed up.The box says 'ear', not 'rear!'

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'

"You gotta multiply dog years by seven, pal."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

"Here's your problem."

'Back in the good old days, when Presidents said 'gazillion'....They were joking!'

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"His game is so bad they place the pin flags at half mast whenever he plays a round."

Compulsive Liars Annual Reunion - No.. I couldn't make it either!

'Okay - imagine you're a bailiff coming at me with a repossession order.'

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

'And what do you do for a living Duncan?' 'I write instruction manuals for computers.'

'Those stupid idiots haven't put the flag back in the hole.'

'I dropped out of Parachute School.'

"I think I accidentally used my last condom making a balloon animal."

'There's something I think you ought to know. I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV'

"Great. . . another cheesy joke."

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"Wasn't she brilliant, I counted 27 F words and 11 C words. Genius!"

'No thanks - When I finish this drink I'm going straight to hell.'

Comedy Club: LOL instead of laughter

'I don't care that you slept with him, Clare, buy how dare you laugh at his jokes!'

Now they're what I call cavities!

'Hey, we're all adults here, so a little jungle humor's okay, right? There was this stupid elephant...'

Piranha fish in a restaurant: 'Honey, are you in the mood to fleece a cow tonight?'

'I hate to brag but my stalkers have their own reality show.'

Torturing The Torturers

"We heard you were dying in here."

Standup Dictator

Zombie standup

Imitation Crab