Comedy Club Member Gifts

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Doctor to patient: 'Nah - you don't need to make a hospital appointment. I can do this procedure with a laser pen.'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Did you hear those ladies behind us hoot and holler when I hit that tee shot?' 'Your fly is open.'

Ostritch Gangsters.

'I chucked a firework through your letter box and it didn't go off. Can I have it back?'

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

"Hmmm...looks like the surgeon left behind some paperwork."

56% of GPs are in favour of charging for appointments.

"I'm a nihilist"

Animal Conference

The tip of the iceberg

'I still can't believe Charlie got a sex change operation just so he could play the ladies tees,'

"Which countries have you visited recently?"

'This is Congress, or as I prefer to call it, the 'Waffle House'.'

'You're so lucky your kid's got a male role model.'

'How's Mr. lazy bones today?'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'How did it go at the shrink?'

Man with a Gran

'He's lying about either a fish or his penis.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Orange really is the new Black

"Well, good job Mister Funny Man! You just had to tell our server that we were taking the leftovers home so we could 'feed the hostages.'"

"The bad news is that you have too many eyes. The good news is that they're like limpid pools."

"Great news Dad, I hit a ball-in-one!"

"Hey! Not only do I bring a friend, as you asked! I brought my best friend!"

"Look, it's Sylvia, the prettiest girl in school."

"He should have been more specific when making his bucket list."

"Alimony is like paying off a car after you've crashed it."

"I want to report a race crime.'

Hamlet

"Sweetie, there is no kids' section."

'Our house must be broken because I don't hear a laugh track.'