Comedy Club Devotee Gifts

Losers' club: non-motivational coach available.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Come on! They're posting the spring musical. I can't wait! I want a romantic part! With and elegant gown. Good luck with that! We're doing "Cats."

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

Bunny Pranks

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

Bob Odenkirk

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

Freddy Starr died here.

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'