Comedy Club Devotee Gifts

Losers' club: non-motivational coach available.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"It's not you. It's pea."

"I want to report a race crime.'

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

Freddy Starr died here.

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'