Comedy Club Fan Gifts

'I read the Club's constitution and then realized I did fit the entry criteria, so I decided to join...'

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Hand Puppet Strip Club

Tuesday is empty thought balloon night.

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

'They're a nuisance, but they keep the smaller vermin down.'

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

Lap Line-Dancing Club

Clancy: Lending Money

Custard Pies - Serving Suggestion

'Sorry, Reggie, but it's no longer sufficient to merely cancel out your vote.'

"We've been having a lot of trouble with cross-dressers lately."

"A reliable source says in the last 12 months you sold your soul to the devil. But you never reported any income."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

ABC Airplane Food Manufacturing Co: Supplying Lame Jokes To Comedians for 35 Years.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Giraffe Umbrella

Bad fake tan day.

A Fairytale Update

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.