Comedy Club Regulars Gifts

"Waiter, there are no flies in my soup."

"Open mike night"

Closing Laugh: Snooker Club - Gone for a short rest - Please form a cue.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'