Comedy Club Regulars Gifts

"Waiter, there are no flies in my soup."

"Open mike night"

Closing Laugh: Snooker Club - Gone for a short rest - Please form a cue.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

Bob Odenkirk

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'