Comedy Clubs Gifts

'I heard he was funny.'

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Bob Odenkirk

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Freddy Starr died here.

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Monet At Open Mic Night