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'I heard he was funny.'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

Monet At Open Mic Night

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Polly Clinic.

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

Freddy Starr died here.

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"I want to report a race crime.'