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Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"Do kids eat free?"

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Death Beggar

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

Gangsta wrap.