Contract Language Decoder Gifts

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

DIY horror.

'It's not encrypted, Captain. That's just the clerk's usual typing.'

Information vs. confusion

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"The are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

"I have some character-building news for you."

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Right there is where he departs from the script.'

"You'll be working entirely on commission. We were kidding about the salary."

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

Auditioning for Finnegans Wake.

"It says to sign, and then print my name... can I use the school printer?"

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

"A pharaoh who lived by the Nile...And was eaten by an old crocodile."

"It doesn't bother me so much since he signed that NDA."

"This is my voice mail."

Shipping contract.

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

"Now, if you'll just sign right here, Mr. Hark, you'll make the biggest mistake of your life!"

Two tourists inspecting a French sign

"This way, the humans get the message."

"I would be bilingual if you were bilingual!"

'It's from the bloke on the other island. It reads; Help. I'm stranded on a desert island.'

Text/Subtext Message

"Just sign here, sir - it clears me of any responsibility."