Contract Language Decoder Gifts

You didn't tell me how dangerous this job is! It's right in your contract, "guaranteed hospitalization."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

DIY horror.

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'It's not encrypted, Captain. That's just the clerk's usual typing.'

Information vs. confusion

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"The are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

"I have some character-building news for you."

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Right there is where he departs from the script.'

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

"You'll be working entirely on commission. We were kidding about the salary."

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

Auditioning for Finnegans Wake.

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

"It says to sign, and then print my name... can I use the school printer?"

"A pharaoh who lived by the Nile...And was eaten by an old crocodile."

Shipping contract.

"It doesn't bother me so much since he signed that NDA."

"This is my voice mail."

"Now, if you'll just sign right here, Mr. Hark, you'll make the biggest mistake of your life!"

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

Two tourists inspecting a French sign

"This way, the humans get the message."

"I would be bilingual if you were bilingual!"

'It's from the bloke on the other island. It reads; Help. I'm stranded on a desert island.'

Text/Subtext Message