Constitutional Comedian Gifts

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

'Perhaps we ought to stop quipping about the right to arm bears?'

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"I plan to read the constitution this weekend. Is it long?"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

Loopholes

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

Justice

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

Fairtale prosecutions.

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."