Conflicted Couple Gifts

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I'm going to throw out my old toothbrush and get a new one.'

Diplomacy

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"Every time I think we've sorted our marriage problems out, he comes home again!"

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

"Well. Firstly, I can't take the case because I'm not a divorce lawyer and secondly, I'm your husband."

"Sorry. No refunds."

'Is there a lemon law for husbands?'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'

"You've always let me down in this marriage."

"You said it. I heard it. There's no taking it back, Harold!"

"The diet section is located next to the snack bar."

'Turbulence. That's ok, I'm used to it. I'm married.'

"Did you finally come to an agreement with your wife? Or am I opening old wounds?"

"I'll leave, Margaret, but I won't get lost."

"How come I always pick the bastards?"

They had a combustible relationship.

"Quit asking if I'm O.K. If I'm ever O.K., I'll let you know."

'Dinner is ruined. I brought too many diet's home from the office again.'

'I just can't keep on pretending that we've been living happily ever after!'

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

"Remember, bring it all back within two weeks and I'll refund your deposit."

'Believe me, it ain't easy being married to this lazy, lyin' sack of s**t!'

'Enough frank and honest talk. Let's go back to hypocrisy and dishonest talk.'

'We can't get a divorce. We haven't paid for our wedding yet.'

"You can't buy forgiveness with airline miles, Charles."