Conflicted Couple Pillows

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'I'm going to throw out my old toothbrush and get a new one.'

Diplomacy

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"Every time I think we've sorted our marriage problems out, he comes home again!"

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

'Is there a lemon law for husbands?'

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"Sorry. No refunds."

"Well. Firstly, I can't take the case because I'm not a divorce lawyer and secondly, I'm your husband."

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'

"You've always let me down in this marriage."

"You said it. I heard it. There's no taking it back, Harold!"

"The diet section is located next to the snack bar."

'Turbulence. That's ok, I'm used to it. I'm married.'

"I'll leave, Margaret, but I won't get lost."

"How come I always pick the bastards?"

"Did you finally come to an agreement with your wife? Or am I opening old wounds?"

'Dinner is ruined. I brought too many diet's home from the office again.'

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

'We can't get a divorce. We haven't paid for our wedding yet.'

'Believe me, it ain't easy being married to this lazy, lyin' sack of s**t!'

'Enough frank and honest talk. Let's go back to hypocrisy and dishonest talk.'

They had a combustible relationship.

'I just can't keep on pretending that we've been living happily ever after!'

"Quit asking if I'm O.K. If I'm ever O.K., I'll let you know."

"Remember, bring it all back within two weeks and I'll refund your deposit."

"You can't buy forgiveness with airline miles, Charles."