Love-conflicted Pillows

'Ever since I met you, I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't do anything. . . I'm completely broke.'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"I'm texting you a love poem inspired by the emoji you sent me."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

Cupid misses his shot.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

Yes, but.

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'

'No wonder the divorce rate is so high!'

'Choose, Fenwick ? me or corporatge clout.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'Ever since we bought thet blasted water bed we've been drifting apart!'

Valentine's day...The good news is that I don't think it's contagious.

Second Thoughts Wedding

'I admire your persistence, Melvin, but I'm in love with another woman.'

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

Evolution of love

"I need you, Roberta. Deep inside me there's a married man aching to get out."

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

Man looks for wife help from machine.