Conflicted Customer Gifts

"The diet section is located next to the snack bar."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

"Wait, mister Samson. The manager said he'll give you a full refund and a year's worth of free stylings."

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"I need a pitchfork that's just a pitchfork."

"Yikes! So many foundations, so little time."

"More?"

Buy on-line - Fill in form, Fill in form again, And again, Lose form, Fill-in form a few more times, Give up and go to shop...

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

'Beer? Wassat then?'

Waiter, what's this photograph of Jeff Goldblum doing in my soup? He starred in the remake of "The Fly." Personally, I prefer Al (David) Hedison in the original.

"... Wine list? No, we don't have a wine list! Perhaps I can get sir something from the vending machine?"

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

"Where can I find your organic, locally raised children?"

Car Dealer

Customer Service - I don't know and I don't care.

City Bank: The bank that sticks with you through thick.

"So, what makes you think I'm a therapist?"

'Waiter, a café with chairs, tables and two coffees please!'

Cathy was becoming increasingly buy-curious.

"We may need a clearer message."

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

"I was at home all day yesterday so when do I want you to re-deliver? Yesterday!"

My name's Troy, and I'll be your serve tonight. My name's Fred and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon. I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason.

"I love our litte chats, Jack, but you've got to start drinking again."

He knew it. She was cheating on him again. Buying brand-name products and putting them in bulk containers. You know, just to appear thrifty.

Casting is everything

… and this model reminds you that its already out of date. I'm obsolete. Buy something new, loser! Handy.

What's the sale price on scones? Zero percent off. It's a sale in name only. I see. How many can I get at the sale price? The sale mentality mocks me.

"Careful, I'm spilling your shrimp bisque all over the place."