Compensation Plan Connoisseur Gifts

'He's got quite a crazy new compensation plan! An honest day's work for an honest day's pay!'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"I think I need an extra pillow."

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

'The bigger they are... The harder they hit!'

"I hear you've a complaint about the eggs..."

'The service is so much better when you dress as royalty.'

"After two years of dating, we decided it was finally time to move in together."

S**t Threw a Goose

'I forgot the question.'

"They must be having a two-for-one promotion tonight."

'I do my best work when I'm being paid a huge salary.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

The Croucho Club

The First Asshole

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

'This course is a great ego builder.'

"How am I supposed to know what I want to complain about before you've even said anything?"

'Actually, I was hoping for oversized with a graphite shaft'

"The salary is excellent and the benefits are outstanding. So... which would you prefer?"

You'd like the eco club. We do good stuff. I'm sure. But there are a lot of clubs. Right? Right. And they all need "diversity," right? So you need to cut the best deal. West Fester High School. I have attractive offers from the debate team, chess club and the cheerleaders. Our 100% green t-shirt doesn't entice you.

"I've been to all his weddings."

'About this cv of yours...' - 'You can skip over the part about the potty training.'

'Hello front desk? There are a couple of little cooties on my pillow!'

Employee Benefits

'New! A bonus island of flavor!'

'The bad news is, during open enrollment we get to choose between our uncaring, inconvenient plan or another one that's just as bad or worse.'

"I'm not sure about children, but I've always wanted progeny."

"Love, honour and obey! I said nothing about cancelling my Tinder account."

Petrol Prices: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Excess Baggage: For many of us, 'Roughing it' means staying at a hotel without room service.

'He's been visiting IKEA with someone else.'

"What do I have to do to get the bartender's attention? Set myself on fire?"

"Dry sherry sir..?"